Tonight

Tonight.

Tonight I sit, writing this, exhausted and defeated, after a really hard day.

Tonight I wave you closer, to show you another little glimpse into our world.

Tonight I tell you about how hard autism can be - for everybody.

Tonight I wonder why my child has to smash his head into the wall so many times; hit his head with his hands (a new tic), lash out, thrash his poor body around, as if trying to escape himself?

Tonight I hope this is all because of a new anti-anxiety medication we started him on recently and now stopping?

Tonight I wonder why he has to suffer so?  Why he hates it when anyone in our house speaks?  Why, when he hears a sound out of the ordinary, he pauses, holds his breath and starts to make sounds with his throat to try and override the invading torment?

Tonight I wonder - why him?

Tonight I wonder why God doesn't answer my prayers to release that anxiety monster that has him firmly by the throat?

Tonight I wonder if there is a God.

Tonight I wonder why everything we have tried and are trying, doesn't seem to help him?

Tonight I ask what I can do to help him now?

Tonight I wonder why our love isn't enough to shield his heart and soul?

Tonight my heart bursts with the immense amount of love that I have for our angel.  

Tonight I remember to never, ever give up.  To hold onto hope - always.

Tonight I hope for a better tomorrow - for our very precious son.