It's been over 2 years since I have, personally, posted.
Why?
Well, I have been holding my breath.
Things have been going well for Gabriel and I, strangely enough, didn't want to jinx it by writing too soon about it.
But then something happens that jars you out of that bubble to remind you that autism can outlast your breath-holding. It comes along like a vice that paints itself around your neck and squeezes really hard, reminding you of its reality.
Load shedding (should actually be called rolling blackouts, but hey, that's a whole other post) hit our home this afternoon. Gabriel hates load shedding - more than I do. We have two inverters in our house to try and keep Gabriel's environment as constant as possible. They just don't cover the big, overhead lights. It doesn't matter whether it happens during the day and that we don't need the lights, or if we prepare him or not, we never know how he will react.
When that inverter fan kicks in, sheer panic unravels on his face. Anxiety takes over, because there is a change in his environment and he cannot predict what will happen. Reassurance does not work. Showing him that the power will be back on at X time, merely ignites a verbal loop of repeating this time.
And then the head banging begins. Against the wall. Fucking hard.
So what did you spend the last 2 hours doing during load shedding? Reading? Board games? Maybe you took a nap?
We spent it trying to protect Gabriel from himself.
After the first hour, I was, honestly, expecting the doorbell to ring and for me to see two, sturdy, policeman at the door. He screams and yells so loudly, it must sound, to the outside world, that he is being slaughtered.
It is terrifying. It is heartbreaking. It makes my soul bleed.
After 11 years I can still say that.
I can only imagine what it is like for Gabriel.
I don't write this for sympathy. I don't write this to embarrass our angel.
I write this because so many families who have angels with classic autism, don't write about this. For fear of being judged, for fear of being stigmatised.
Gabriel is doing so well in so many areas. He is excelling at speech, using the scripting method (repeating dialogue from videos) and then uses them in the correct context of the situation. He has an incredible photographic memory and an, almost, supernatural eye for detail. He does well with addition and subtraction, but battles to do both in one lesson. It has to be one or the other, as the transition is too hard. He is showing independence and confidence which makes my heart burst with pride and happiness. He is so brave and he tries so, incredibly, hard.
But I worry.
I worry about his future. I worry about what will happen to him when GDad and I are gone one day.
I just want to be able to breathe again.
I want Gabriel to be able to breathe.
But, until then, we will never, ever, give up.
