I often wonder what it must be like to see the world through Gabriel's eyes.
Does he see the world in a sense of order or is it chaos? How loud is everything to him? How does he translate my words when I speak? Does he know how much we love him?
Our world is full of hope yet tugged at all sides by doubt.
Doubt - how will I ever get him to eat something other than the 5 things he will only eat?
Doubt - how will I find a way to help him manage his auditory sensitivity?
Doubt - how can we teach him to stop hitting and headbanging?
Doubt - how can we understand what it is causing him to hit and headbang?
Doubt - will he have friends he can play with one day?
Doubt - are we ever going to get our guide dog we have been on the waiting list for forever
for ? (ok, not quite forever, more like 20 months, but it feels like forever).
Doubt - will we ever find a Carer who actually cares about Gabriel?
Doubt - are we teaching him correctly?
Doubt - are we doing enough?
Enough. When is it enough?
Sometimes I feel like I am swimming in an abyss, trying to find the North Star to guide me back home.
Does every parent battle with this? Battle with the constant nagging of our internal dialogue; are we doing the right thing for our kids? Are we feeding them enough emotionally, intellectually, physically to help them grow into a happy, self-sufficient adult?
I often wonder what neurotypical parents have doubts about. The same issues? I would love to hear what they are. Seriously.
A few weeks ago I had a very vivid dream of Gabriel. He was about 14 years old yet had the wisdom of an old soul. We were standing in an empty room, with no windows or doors. There was a soft lavender light filling the room.
I asked him, filled with anxiety, "what can I do to help you?"
He looked at me, extremely relaxed and calm and replied, "nothing."
I repeated, "nothing?"
"Yes," he said, "I was born this way".
It's the first time I have dreamed of Gabriel talking. It was a profound dream and I woke up with a sense of clarity and calmness.
I guess we are all doing the best we can in this life.
And as long as we do it with unconditional love, that should be enough.